it’s been a rough month.
daddy undergone  surgery and treatment fighting for his cancer just reminded me of mummy.
all the sorrow and pain mentally, physically and emotions just filled me up entirely.
hoping for the best and praying hard each day for your speedy recovery. be tough daddy.
keep reminding myself to be tough as well no matter how worn out i am each day.
daddy needs me.


our relationship is like a broken glass. once broken, it will nvr be the same again.
you’re really captivating. suppress my feelings for you each day makes me really emotional.
every night i pray, that soon your face will fade away.

Day 554 with u.

Wishing myself happy belated birthday! blessed 26th birthday ❤️

honestly speaking, I was actually not so looking forward to each every tomorrow for now including the special day my mum brought me to the world 26years ago. 

mentally stress was so overwhelming that I became so moody, grumpy and frustrated. I was really upset with my current working environment, not about the workload but the people and tasks with limited opportunity and time, at the mean time revealing all the true friends or Hippocrates, which can be very disappointing and heart breaking when ur so called friends turned out to become selfish and not giving a damn to me n my dear. Financial issue has been always something I have to struggle on, could be my financial management sucks to the core but also my commitment are just too much. 

it was my birthday, that morning I wasn't feeling so great, anxious and worried that something unpleasant might happen. craps n shits happened started from the morning where things just didn't go smoothyl

no more morning and good nights texts

no more random texts 

no more sweet talk coz...

we seldom talk

feeling so distant

love still exist?

or more like getting used to each other's presence

we just needed a companion 

a good companion that anyone would do

scribbling my thoughts

not that I'm too bored 

but I have lotsa thoughts 

keep running in my mind

n there's no ears for me to talk to...

it was Father's Day, I just wanna see u and have a proper meal with u.

of course, with my family as well... 

told ya from the beginning so that I can prepare u mentally.

giving u enough time to rearrange ur schedule as well.. just spare me 2 hours for a meal. 

u told me u couldn't make it at the very last minute.

kinda expected but why the disappointment was so magnified?

God knows..

it doesn't really matter anymore. 

My heart Is perfect as i have daddy mummy in my heart, lulu, Yoong and Annie all 5 of them ❤️

I love u but I'm really tired of everything and all the disappointments...

last time, went to bed happily every night,  

was like the happiest girl in the world coz we're just so sweet like fairy tales...

now, in contrary, sleepless night,yet feeling so tired as our relationship making me upset and emotional...

missing u mummy, we went to our favourite dim sum restaurant at Concorde hotel. I knew u were watching us :')

I made U flowers and burnt them into ashes, hoping u will be able to receive them. we made them with full of heart n love. sincerely...

Day 518• being together with u

I was really upset today. Busy running errands and most of it just went wrong.

Ended up  rushing here n there, running out of time, things not done etc 

so frustrating...

But what upsetting me the most is always you :(  I was like talking to myself for the entire day. texted u but no reply, and not even 'seen' even though u're online. Perhaps this is just u. but can I be at least someone more special to deserve more attention? u were not like this when we first started. I could at least feel that I have slightly more priority that u would always reply me no matter what my text was a question or a just a statement to inform u anything. Maybe I'm thking too much but I really do feel like u always ignore me 😔 sorry if u're busy...

I am absolutely terrible in direction and have really poor eyesight. you know it better than anyone else... yet when I told u I lost my direction when I was heading home. I was actually feeling so helpless, had no clue where to head to, raining heavily obscuring my already so poor vision to look at the road signs, phone running low in battery... I didn't see any signs of panicking or concern from u. well u did ask 'where are you', but I was panicking didn't even reply u, and yet u just let it be... not even a call to make sure I'm safe? when I finally replied... it took u half a decade to reply me, seems like u really not worried at all, asking me whereabout for the sake of asking. perfectly understood! 

I left u. headed home. it took me 3 hours to reach home for all the heavy traffic, and   lost my direction several times. was really tired after all, hoping u will cheer me up when I said I was emo, don't feel like talking... And YET, u really just ignored me cause I said I don't feel like talking! well done my dear! yes I know u're busy as u're going for trip, but honestly... really that busy?! I saw u online on watsapp, checking fb and all, but just... not even a single text to check out on me... my last few messages to u were all not 'seen'. 

haiz. pathetic me... 

speechless

I should have just buried myself in the blanket and cry 😿

I. don't understand.

Why do people still insist on doing something when they know the person they love for sure getting hurt for what they have done. You know me very well how hurtful was it to me, and how much I dislike it and yet you are still doing it.

I HAVE really lost hope in you. 

just do whatever you want. I will never bother and care anymore. Separation will be my last resort. I'm getting tired and losing interest  in this game.

You chose it.

Come to think back, I really don't mind being alone. forever alone. at least I won't get mad, won't get hurt, no worries no fear, happy always. 

Really looking forward to life back to single.... 

just waiting for u.

Post call drowsiness hitting in. Hibernate mode ON. 

Mummmmyyyyy

I miss calling u miiii so much mummy

Happy Mother's Day! ❤️

How I wish I could buy u gifts preparing ur lil surprise with flowers and cakes....

Like how it used to be.

I was thinking the whole day, 

finally i am, able to get some earning and buy stuffs for u and daddy for appreciation for who I am today... still breathing, alive and well with little achievement for able to at least take care of myself n help out in family expenses.

but u're no longer here..

Dear mummy, I miss you

We miss you

so so much

and will always be!

Love u mummy.

Please bless daddy with good health n wealth. all of us... ❤️

day 1000 since mummy left me, left us.

falls on ur anniversary mummy :)

we had a good meal, had your favourite dish... fish! @ Fish & Co 

I'll keep this short n sweet.

Miss u mummy. Love u ❤️

Happy anniversary to u and daddy! ❤️

Booooooooooo

Happy chinese new year peeps! may this monkey year treat us better with better health and wealth, smoother pathways for each of every undertakings ;)

3rd year of chinese new year without u mummy. emptiness sets in still.. just like lacking of something and will never be complete again. I just have to move on, day by day, till we meet again. Miss u so so much mummy. Chinese new year, each every occasion and celebration no longer the same without u. Things, are just not the same anymore. Promise u will always keep trying to be happy for every single day. 

How are u? missing u relentlessly. I dont want memories, I want u. sobz.

Lulu getting married soon mummy. our dear jie is finally getting married! are u happie? ;) she has been busy preparing. how i wish u were here to share the joy and excitement... 

can imagine mummy happily choosing stuffs, restaurants, calling around keng gai n inviting people to the wedding ceremony. heeee  ;P miss ur laughter miss ur voice... 

miss u... u know, how i wish heaven has visiting hours.

Catch up with few of them these days. as we get older, friends lesser. friend comes and goes, relationship started and ended. guess this is how life supposed to be. with all the uncertainties ahead. we just have to suck up and move on.wise words from wise men... 

Laugh when u can. Apologise when u should. Let go of what u cant change.
i cant and im not able to change u. but u asked me not to lose hope in u. not to let u go. why would u always put me in predicament? :'(  missing old times. i'd trade all of my tomorrows for just one yesterday with u. im tired. physically and emotionally drained. have to keep going still.
i shall stop wasting my time.

First month of 2016 has just ended. so scary how time actually flies....

I couldn't sleep the whole night. trying to think something happy so that when I fell asleep something happy came across my dream too. heeeee :) so silly :P

yeap I was actually having some emotions thinking how we got started, went through day by day n finally today. things was so perfect, life was so good that I missed everything so much, that I feel really sad as everything has gone n changed n never come back :'( 

you're still the same keep cheating n cheating me which I hate the most as it's the most hurtful ever thing. u never changed. Someone's message just pop up on ur phone AGAIN. apparently u have been texted her almost everyday n yet u were trying to blame me that I did the same thing. keep texting... 

3 months back when I confronted u for something, I have expected u will change, not better but worse. it seems like my expectations came true. I blame u for deleting some random entry u didn't want me to know, knowing u sure will mutate to be smarter n cautious, delete every single thing day after. bingo! it happened 😿 u have been texting n texting n DELETING cautiously. we are a pair dear, why are u doing this to me? how would u feel if I do the same thing to u?

I sent u once previously when i knew what u did. it wasn't randomly. after the confrontation, One week later u just did the same mistake. not that I don't know, im just pretending I don't. u just keep doing and doing and doing... how am I supposed to trust u back again? u're not the dear that i used to know anymore. I feel scared sometimes. As my status will always n keep reminding me to trust u, otherwise... love goes out. But it's not my fault when I keep trying, u keep ruining it.

I keep tolerating n pretending that I don't know what u have done at all. how long more do I need to tolerate these shit? 

Disappointed. really getting tired of u. U have to change not to please me dear, it supposed to me ur own intention, the feeling of being truthful, not to me, at least to urself. Can you? 

And he texted me few days back. asking me how am I doing? how are things between me n you? are u treating me well? am I happy? seems like he can feel my emotions, texted me randomly at the right timing. I was touched and at the same time I was really sad. everything so far so good I replied. but in my heart, it was negative for all. feelings to him no longer there but I'm glad to know he still care bout me. n I'm grateful still having him as my friend and oncall buddy that always acc me, text me during oncall when I'm less busy. hope to meet himsoon :)

这样下去.. 

我们•迟早 • 散 

你懂吗？

Getting ready to work...

And so, u told me. Why things always happened when we came back home. Seriously? it didn't click at all? can't figure it out or just being in denial? it's because whenever we are back home it's time when u gain ur so called freedom and do whatever u have been wanted to do. eg, texting other girls, FaceTime flirting with someone else, have an offday from ME :( , ignoring me for being so annoying.. etc All these happens when we were back home that's why conflict came along. it's all u who did this. again n again I get disappointed, n you, kept apologising but at the same time having another new trick to stab my heart with date n diary engraved. ITs NoT erasable at all my dear, pain n agony always persist whenever they came across my mind. sobz 

The very first time knowing u actually just ignored me on purpose was 2 months back. never thought it would happen as u used to treat my like a princess. Just simply being ignorant not replying me cause u were texting n replying and also face timing someone else. What did I do wrongly to deserve this? :'( 

Honestly, I have been really afraid to come home everytime knowing u for sure will hurt me somehow in ur own new way as if giving me all sorts ways to assess my tolerance. it was just yesterday that u broke my heart again, pretending not checking or reading my texts, while u were actually damn free flirting with others. rather text n reply someone else but not me, I was kept wondering, am I really so annoying?? sorry bout that :( I

I have been questioning myself what have I done wrong to make me no longer that significant to you? Since when I no longer ur priority? or... I never been at all from the beginning cause I don't deserve it? quite sad to know that, really sad.

I didn't wanna make u cry tonight, it aches my heart to see u cry. and it's ur birthday my dear, I really didn't mean it. so so sorry 😔 I have been crying deep down in my heart too for how u have treated me. can I have a shoulder please 😭 I have learnt to be tough n more independent, not to shed a single tear, as I believe the only person who deserves my tears would not make me cry. 

managed to catch up with few of my old friends. people really do change as they grow older. cheers for a better change. 

wanted to catch up with him too. sadly didn't manage to... had a heart to heart chat with him instead. he said i should have stayed with him, I might be able to provide him more happiness... LOL seriously? i was once hoping for that one phrase that u have told me today. He said he really thinks im a sweet gf seeing how I used to treat him last time. this is so so ironic, Why Didn't he tell me honestly earlier last time when I was so into him? i guess this is how life supposed to be. Ironic. Unexpected. #timeflies.

I'm loyal because I know what it's like for being treated unfaithfully. I care because I know what it feels like to be neglected or ignored. please don't ask me to stay the next time I walk away from you, moving on. I'm tired.... sometimes we have to pull away not because we don't care, but is because we cared to much that it's so unbearable when we were not being cared for the same way back 

Getting tired with Writtings on the wall.... 

Happy birthday my dear. with Love ❤️

I'm home!!! after so so long... feel so good to be home. :) not a single thing has changed since the last time I left, my most comfortable heavenly home ❤️ 

I'll treasure everyday of the 11 days. started texting and looking for friends before I go back to the hell and work like a cow :P my dear drove me back and it was a quick journey :) 

When I don't have to work.... there is when my thoughts start to fly like nobody's business. sometimes I wonder why do I have so many wonders -.-

right now at this moment, I'm missing u dear... it aches my heart every single time  I think of u. things has changed... emo :'(

I hope one day I have the guts to ask u, do You still want me in ur life? should we just end now and remain the good memories we had rather than keeping me watching little changes day by day. it hurts. I voiced one once, for breakup previously, hurt u, hurt me. I'm so not gonna be the bad person and ask for breakup again. I'll just wait until u do. as I really feel u no longer treat me like how You used to be and how u appreciate my presence. it's kinda sad I know but I have been trying so hard, yet the you I used to know has already gone, far far away. I miss him so badly. 

Please tell me if you don't love me anymore rather than leave me hanging there and keep trying to win u back. I'm tired dear. so so tired. wasting effort n time as well. not that I wanted to give up on you, just that u have changed and I'm changing according to ur changes to make us less incompatible. be frank to me as that's the only thing I hope for, in a relationship... Honesty n trust.

No longer. compatible?

God knows. one thing for sure, I love u still. but I really got no idea how to please u anymore.

it's praying day tomorrow :) it's been a long time since I last made mummy a flower. it's time to start doing... miss u mummy, love u ❤️ daddy Elaine n Andy all are good, not to worry.

signing off....

I always hope I will never click in to this little box of apps again.. it's been a long long time since I ever came in. and since when, 

I'm here only when Im emo...

I'm here when I gotta talk to myself, nobody to talk to, nobody to share my problems and thoughts with...

so yeap, another person I needa let go. for once I thought both of us gonna be like fairy tales, love each other and live happily ever after. what a happy ending :)

things started to change and has already changed. sad to admit, sad to mention but can't help it and what can I do? 

for the very first time, got to know you not telling something to me, and i found out myself...it was like a tones of questions running in my head and a needle or torn piercing in my heart and will never heal. forced myself not to think, and things went well. maybe not, I don't know seriously. 

again and again, trying hard to trust you more, hoping my love for you able to make me wanna stay and be with you but things just happened again and again, disappointment just kept haunting me like a nightmare. is that a hint? telling me u're not right for me? 

very hurtful indeed knowing what you have done. can't help it but to let you go... without trust, relationship will not last; without trust, the feeling of insecure was so intense that I was not able to stay. I love you but I'm sorry i needa leave. talked to someone last night, he said, for girls, once it happened, no matter they believe u or not it's forever imprinted in their mind. well said :)

I'm really tired of guessing people's thoughts and getting more vulnerable that I'm really afraid of getting hurt again. so so hurtfull that I'm not willing to go through it once again. once you know what it’s like to get hurt, the last thing you want to do is put yourself in that situation again. perhaps staying single is the best?

rather not seek out a potential partner when I know there is the potential for getting my heart broken. so just leave me alone...

you said you promise to share things with me and will never lie to me again. but dear, do you know what we were and how we used to be?

I miss receiving random text and pictures from you, like what I used to do as well. we saw interesting stuffs and got excited, wanted to share so eagerly and hoping each other were there.

I miss seeing your messages every morning once I opened my eyes. it makes me smile :)

I miss your simple gestures and little actions and favour you used to do for me just because you care.

i miss the you I used to know who I fell in love with.

you got me my dear? things has changed. you gave me commitment and promises. but things happened naturally before this without promises. now you just make it sounded like doing for the sake of doing, sharing just because I requested, and texting just because it became habit and routine, even though we don't feel like texting and got nothing better to say... how sad it is but I gotta admit I see the changes clearly. 

let's hope for the best? time to sleep. Zzz.. 😴

another day we used to celebrate together. It's my parents 29th anniversary today! :)  I just can imagine how excited daddy n mummy were today of 29 years back.... the joy on their face 😍 ☺️

honestly. I dare not wish daddy happy anniversary as I'm afraid he doesn't feel like how he used to feel on this special occasion anymore when mummy is no longer around. we still celebrated and had proper brunch, high tea at shangrila hotel. wow. not cheap at all....more than 100 per pax 😵 I admit I was eating like nobody's business -.- purposely starved myself in the morning so that I was able to eat more after that :P food was awesome definitely! satisfied afterall...☺️

just that....

still. I wonder how's mummy doing over there. happy anniversary dear mummy 😘 Love u, miss u.

sometimes I just miss seeing your name on the letter received as if you're still around mummy.

how I wish everything still remains the same. watching u tearing off the envelopes with your name on it excitingly, wondering any surprise...

feeling guilty today. I just lied to daddy. I'm so so sorry. 😐 forgive me please...

being random. 

off. to. study. 😞

Another ordinary night and dinner. 

daddy said mummy was here.

he dreamt of her and it was so real.

mummy was looking great beautiful as usual

daddy held mummy tightly 

but he couldn't make a sound...

n mummy insisted to go.

she wants to be production manager she said

so cute :)

n there she left....

fading...

can barely hold my tears when daddy told me.

visiting u soon mummy.

coming Monday :)

miss u mum! 

love u. always. ❤️