Last day of 2013. Just wanna leave some words before this year ends...

23 years of living. lotsa lessons learned, lotsa experience gained...

Im gonna start retrieving memories from the beginning of the year and just scribble here =)

Well well,

Before beginning of the year, firstly got to know my dearest you got attached, heart bleeds yet I still talk to u like nothing happened and I learned to let go. Only realised how much I loved u when I let you go... I STILL DO

Before beginning of the year, mummy was diagnosed with cancer. For the first time, I felt that I really gonna collapsed. Every night I couldn't sleep. Palpitation was all I had most of the time. Felt so worried all the time that I could barely focus during classes, could barely concentrate while studying... couldn't do anything besides crying every night and there was nobody to talk to. sobz =(
Didn't realise I actually don't have a friend whom I can really share all my problems with..
BUT Im always a good listener trsut me! Even I was having tones of problems sometimes even shedding tears, i still entertained all of u and your problems.. I really did. great achievement ya XD
But to be frank, this period was my worst nightmare. Every week I went home with worries and anxiety. I miss home but I was really damn afraid to see the changes that was happening so fast weekly at the moment I stepped into my home. I was really really really afraid ='(
From week to week, I went home...all kind of symptoms just creeped in one by one and it was really heart breaking...I knew well mummy was deteriorating but theres nothing I could do. I, seriously hate myself for being so useless. Slowly....couldn't walk couldn't talk n left.....

Im glad I actually made it for the family trip to Europe in May this year. It was mother's day. I wanted to buy mummy a cake to celebrate but on that day we were flying off to Europe =(
During the entire trip she was perfectly fine....really didn't expect things to happen that fast. That's my last trip with my dearest mum. And I wonder do I have the courage to visit places I went again tho I love it....Places I been with mummy, Its gonna be so tough to revisit. as it hurts. Ur smile....will always be remembered.

My first time I travelled myself.....A new experience..

This is to Taiwan. Plan to do my selective there from the very beginning. Yet, selective falls on November. I told mummy that gonna bring forward so that I could come back and celebrate her birthday with her. She said it doesn matter as there's birthday every year....How am I supposed to tell her im afraid theres not many chances left, maybe 2 or 3 more years? as I googled prognosis of your case and it actually stated mean survival 2 years... I knew well in my heart how much time left but there was nobody I could share with even daddy, annie and jie....

And whenever mummy told me. "this is how im gonna looklike when im old" while she saw an old lady walking with wide spread legs. It wasn't good looking but u got no idea how much I really wish u're gonna look like that when u get old! Because I knew u might not have chance to get old ...
='( sobz. I was really sad when u talked about my future or yours as I knew well u're not gonna be with me. Guys u really got no idea how much it hurts.....

When things happened. Sadness and sorrow is all I left with. Tears became so uncontrollable ever since then. Why the hell imam medical student?! Whenever I see patients suffering in wards, patients with similar conditions with mummy, patients..... I think of mummy and the flashbacks of u suffering...and then blank!!!! tears rolling.... not even listening if it was during case presentation...
suspected having post traumatic stress disorder -.- is this why I wanna end my life to reunite with u? symptoms of my ptsd??

THen...this is why I had the worst result ever! I actually failed for exams! its really depressing kay..was thinking should have just differed. every aspect I had problems. what a miserable life!
Besides this emo thingy, lotsa housework I gotta do. I love my family so so much that I don't want them to do anything tiring..ended up I busy like a crazy maid...muscles and backache was so severe due to excessive stretching and straining. that I couldn't sleep... it never  resolved..
physically tired till gonna collapsed I swear!

Friendship... Vulnerable! true friends... do I have in uni? I doubt that. still searching tho...never give up on u, u and u! met up with high school mates last night. I miss them really. miss the moment we had during high school.. sadly, some of the conversation I felt left out. its common..i know..don't worry. the closest one... for once I felt something actually changed....for once. We no longer like how we used to be when we  got so much to talk to.... Is it? I hope it is not...

all of us.....

dear tingpei and my Christmas gift from her :)

dear nokling n me ;)

fish..... :P

lastly... puisee in the house! :)

In Taiwan.... sometimes, I travelled alone. I knew well how much I have grown up. In a foreign country I travelled myself from place to place. honestly, that moment I really felt lonely that I wished I wasn't alone =( too bad my dear lisan wasn't with me all the time... Hmmm but in other way, yeap I gained some backpacking experience and learned to be more independent while travelling alone and somehow I felt so proud of myself for this achievement! and I actually quite enjoyed travelling alone..got more freedom haha XD at least I don't have to wait coz waiting is a waste of time! lolz! and I don't have to go places I don't like =) of course travelling with the others I enjoyed as well lar but depends who were the companions. some really made me headache -.- with great companions was something totally different. fun till max! the entire trip was awesome lar!!!!!

great companion :)

 

weeeeeeee!!!!!

I learnt how to ride a bike! for the very first time x)

hmmm...what else......

ohyaaaa! met u today in school. miss u still.... aww man! y am I so stubborn for holding on so long?!
Not that I want. was borned this way -.-
People asked why am I still single. lolz? cause nobody wants =/ part of it. secondly, haven't let go? perhaps. thirdly... so not in the mood to initiate a relationship.. FOREVER ALONE... lolz

errr okie so far cant think of anything I would like to share -.-...
is 4 in the morning now @.@ I supposed to study. I really have to catch up ady! gotta score better definitely after did so badly last posting. bless me my dears... =P




guess that's it for this year? =))

goodbye 2013.........

GOODBYE!